u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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