What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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