dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Shame - the story of my life.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
