Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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