Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
