One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
