I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Randomize
