***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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