fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
