Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
