Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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