i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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