We named our party play list daddy issues
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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