This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
