i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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