last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
