why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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