things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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