i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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