I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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