i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
