He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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