I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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