Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
