There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
