You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Randomize
