I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
