I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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