It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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