Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I woke up under a house in Key West
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