I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
