So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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