I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
