It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
