5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
