my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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