I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
