Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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