So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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