Taylor Swift is so right about you.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
