does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
