so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Less talking, more tequila
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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