Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
