Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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