Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wear drunk well.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
