I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
