God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
