i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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