You're my little dorito
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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