Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
