What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
