____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's blow job season.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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