anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
