Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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