I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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