I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
