I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
no you cant smoke seaweed
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
