my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
