I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
