Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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