ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
