Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
