If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
