Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
