We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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