Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
